I think aspiration and ambition is great. I have big goals and a life of mediocrity is probably my biggest fear. I’ve have also struggled with a lot of anxiety in the past. I choose a stressful life, because I always want to keep moving forward, but I can cope much better with it all now days because I have one fall back that I can always go to: Fuck it. My friend made me a bucket list the other day, and it was cool, it was interesting, and stuff I hope to make happen at some point. Having big dreams is great, but what about the days that it’s too hard. Sometimes you thrive and sometimes you merely survive. Sometimes I lean in and sometimes I just want to lie down. So, here’s an introduction to my fuck-it list. A list of things that I am going to let go of. I’m sure it will change constantly, because every day I find new and exciting things that I get sick of. Irrelevant things to my life that I am deciding to wave at as they pass me by and fuck off, out of my life.
- Average friendships. I have a few very close friends and plenty of pals I can grab a drink with or go see some music with. The ones that cross the line are those that treat me like I have to be a good friend to them, without offering anything in return besides obligated lifts to the airport or replying to clingy messages when I just cannot be bothered. The kind that bring drama into my life, when frankly, I really don’t need it. I don’t owe them anything. Get out.
- Physical activity (for fun). I never have and never will be a physically gifted person. I fall over my own feet more than a toddler so why on earth would I find running 10k amusing? My best mate is always trying to get me to go canoeing. Boats are cool, but rowing is hard, so unless she’s planning on doing all the work, I am out. Our bodies are made to move. I do yoga and go jogging and walk when I feel like it, the rest is optional and I’m opting for a solid no thanks.
- Not saying what’s bothering me. If your tapping your pen or slurping your drink or talking too loudly and it’s annoying me, I going to tell you. If you are lying to someone, bullying someone or crossing boundaries that I think are immoral, I’m going to tell you. Whether we’re friends or we’re not. I know it can come across as blunt sometimes or I can seem needy if I am literally telling people what I need from them, but life is too short to feel irritated or upset by the people around you.
- Dressing for anyone else. Sometimes I dress like a boss bitch who owns several motorbikes and runs the board room from a bat cave. Other days I dress in lace and white and glitter and everything that is pretty in the world. Occasionally, there’s an in between. I don’t care if we’re dating, you’re family, or my closest friend, please don’t tell me what to wear unless I ask your opinion (and usually, I’m only asking your opinion cause I know I look fabulous and want to you share in that wonderment, just FYI).
- Trying to find a hobby. Yes, I am that girl when people ask “what are your interests, do you have a hobby?” I have no answer. No, I’m not boring. I probably do more random things than most the people I know. I’ve done salsa, pole dancing, aerial acrobatics, kayaking, rock climbing, horse riding, you name it, I’ve probably given it a shot. But do you know what I enjoy? Sleeping and going to the pub with my friends. Apparently, that doesn’t count as a past time so the “hobby” brigade can go suck it.
- Censoring myself. This actually stemmed from someone suggesting I censor the language on here so that I can use this blog on my CV. Pardon my french, but fuck that. This is a personal blog and it should reflect who I am, warts ‘n’ all. I swear. I also dress in clothes people don’t like, have opinions people don’t agree with and make decisions people don’t understand. I can be sensitive to others views, but ultimately I like myself and I’m not going to change so that I can whittle myself down to an easy to swallow pill for the sake of anyone else.
- Holding onto grudges. Those people who have removed themselves from my life through various wrong-doings, they’re okay too really. The ones that are still friends, but committed transgressions all that time ago that still pound like a woodpecker on the inside of my skull. Everyone makes mistakes, and just because someone made a mistake that hurt me, doesn’t mean they’re any worse or better than I am. No, it doesn’t mean I want to be friends with everyone, but wow…how the weight is lifted when you stop being angry about this stuff.