When things go wrong I can cope with it so well. When shit hits the fan, everything is falling apart and there’s a perfect storm I can deal with it. I’m a good man in a storm. I know what my triggers are and although sometimes it’s hard, I know that I can always get through it. When anyone else has hit rock bottom then I am the person to come to, I don’t have all the answers but I am always there, with my game face on. But when things are going great? My first reaction is to run away.
I’ve moved around a lot and I figure that has a part of it but that’s not everything. I found myself planning a new life today, in a new city, and it took me all of about 30 minutes to work out the logistics. I know that I can run away, and I’ll survive, it’s familiar. I genuinely believe that everyone has a right to success and happiness by just existing so, although I’ve had my issues with self esteem, I don’t believe that I deserve to fail. I’ve always worked hard, have an exceptional work ethic and am ambitious; It makes sense that I’m doing well for myself. Still, there’s a part of me that questions it somehow. Recently, I’ve changed jobs and finally left hospitality, I can officially call myself an award winning journalist, I’m happier in myself than I’ve ever been, I’ve met someone who makes me instantly forget about all the heart break (or whatever that was) of last year, and I have a best friend who is my actual soul mate, yet there still a side of me that doesn’t believe it. Things aren’t perfect, but they’re still too good to be true. I don’t understand what makes me challenge it all. There seems to be a side of me that isn’t willing to accept the good things in my life.
It’s something to be explored but I’m sure I’m not alone in this feeling. I do know that the only way to deal with it is to chill the fuck out and let life happen. Maybe after all the pain I’ve been through, the universe is finally paying me my dues… Fuck that. I’ve worked for this, I’ve made sacrifices and I still am making compromises to get to what I want. I never learnt to celebrate myself, and honestly no one has ever said “well done” for not being a junkie who lives in a gutter at this point, even though at several points that was a very viable possibility for me. Over the last few years, I’ve learnt to pat myself on the back for the person I’ve become. However, in celebrating all the “average” thing’s I have achieved, I never worked out how to celebrate the truly exception things. I’ve confused my focus by questioning it all but I need to keep my eye on the game. Some small part of me still wants to hold onto the darkness, better the devil you know, but I’ve come up close and personal with that demon and I’m not a fan. I’ve got to make a choice to let go myself, rather than rely on others opinions and congratulations to validate my accomplishments. I’m ready to do that now and hold my ground and shout about what I’m capable of, I just haven’t quite figured out how I go about it. I’ve got to know myself and I know what I want. I guess this is what it looks like when you’re winning.