In the last two weeks I’ve started about 5 posts, I’ve had sparks of inspiration for many more and I have finished a big fat zero of them. When I write, more often than not, I have a rough idea of what my points are but the words just tend to flow. I let the idea develop in my head for a few days, or if it’s a full on flame, then I get straight down to it and edit as I go. Recently, I have a maximum of one sentence planned out, sometimes it’s just a vague idea I can’t even get down on paper. So, where do I go from here?
Maybe my brain is too full. Uni is pretty full on, right in the middle of the semester with those deadlines creeping close. Personally, I have people in every corner of my life being confusing and messy as people often are. I’m trying to have fun, so I’m planning in gigs and comedy nights whenever I have a spare second. Amazingly, on top of all that, I’ve just been offered the perfect job for me right now (humble brag. More on that later, I’m sure). Life is pretty full on. Great, but full on.
I can be a perfectionist, that’s for sure. My natural state of being means that I would rather do nothing that do something badly, or halfheartedly. However, because of that subconscious response it means that I have to push myself to do things I know won’t be perfect sometimes. I’m pretty good at that now, once I get going with something I normally get my head down and do a good job. But occasionally, just every now and then, I get stuck. I’m one for being authentic and following you’re own unique path, in your own specific time, so forcing myself is difficult. If I force myself to do things, I tend to obsess and it becomes a monster that picks at me and makes me feel worthless when I inevitable can’t live up to my own ludicrous standards. This time it means that I have 5 unfinished posts. Just sitting around. Gnawing at the back of my brain. Then there’s this post, which of course, is basically a rambling of nothingness to break the silence (well done if you’ve made it this far).
I think this is when my well intended friends would suggest the whole self care piece. You know the drill, face mask, book, bath. Not my vibe today. So, here’s the plan. Tomorrow, I’m going to get up, put on my favourite I’m-a-badass-boss clothes, go find a coffee shop and write about all my favourite things. My new fantastic job, what I’m studying at uni and of course the wonderful people around that have infiltrated every moment of my thoughts. Maybe I’ll post it, maybe I won’t, but I need a refocus and I need to get my brain space back. Wish me luck!