Losing yourself is easy enough, in my eyes. People end up doing all sorts of weird things that don’t suit them or their life, for all kinds of reasons and then before you know it, they can’t even recognise themselves. I’m not immune to this despite my quest to “discover myself” *that term makes me cringe too, but it’s apt in this case*. I’ve worked really hard to be authentic in my decisions and to be sure about not just making the right choices, but why I’m making those choices. Still, over Christmas I completely lost sight of all that and have spent the first part of this year trying to claw it back.
In the past, I’ve been guilty of putting others before myself because of my fear of abandonment. I’ll go to the ends of the earth for the people I love, because then they won’t want to leave me. The biggest antidote to this? Being really harshly abandoned by my ex. I treated him like he defecated diamonds and it didn’t work, it just wasn’t enough (because we were terrible for each other, which now I understand). This put me in a place that made me realise I couldn’t rely on people the way I was before. They’re only human and I can’t just do nice things for them to hold them as some kind of emotional hostage in my life if they don’t want to be there. I’m far more chilled out in all my relationships now, if anything, I need to make sure I rely on my people when I really need a hand. Anyway, over Christmas people got busy and I got lonely. I sulked for a few days and it sucked, but I should have really pulled my head out of my ass at that point and got over it. I didn’t. I stewed and and pouted in my lonely little head and kept repeating “no one wants me” to myself. Very Kim circa 2017.
I’m very boringly guilty of being one of those people that doesn’t like trying sometimes for fear of failure. It’s so common it’s barely worth mentioning, but in the context of my uni course ramping up and being faced with some incredible opportunities that I have a real chance of getting, I’m kind of loosing my cool. I’ve been putting off getting stuff done over the last few weeks because it really matters to me. First drafts I will happily smash through, because they’re meant to be bad right?! But moving on from that and admitting that maybe this is the best I can do is scary, because what if it isn’t good enough!? One way of getting over this, is writing this blog! (Hi by the way, thanks for reading and not being mean :). I honestly appreciate it so much.) It’s a lesson in putting my self out there and fuck the consequences…Hence, I don’t always write much, because even though it’s not a big deal to most people, it’s astronomical to me. Sometimes the pressure I put on myself is just far too much. Add this to the fact that I am the oldest person on my course and people see me as an intelligent, hardworking, articulate person so just expect me to do well…Boom. Suddenly the weight of the world is on my shoulders and in my head if I fail or write something bad then life as we know it is going to fall apart and I’m to blame (I didn’t say that any of this was rational).
So, I’ve been avoiding work and telling myself that I’m inconsequential in everyone’s life basically. Today, I feel different. Yesterday I got a tattoo. It’s a cute hedgehog with flowers on my arm, it has no deeper meaning and really I hadn’t thought about it for that long. I just figured, why not? And that right there, that is how I get back to me. Why the fuck not!? I love living like that. Why not apply for that job, why not go to that gig by myself when everyone’s busy, why not talk to that stranger. That’s undeniably me all over, the thing I like most about myself and exactly what I need to remember next time I get lost. I don’t have a five year plan, I have a “what do I fancy today” plan. I don’t do new years resolutions or diets or promises to myself that I’ll be better next week. I do what I want and I want to be healthy and happy and successful, which means getting up and getting on with the things that scare me. Luckily, now I have a permanent reminder of this feeling in the form of a pretty hedgehog right on my arm.