“You’ve never succeeded at anything Kim”

 

Harsh words right? And from my therapist none the less. He’s not wrong though. Let me give you some context here…

I’m in my second year of uni and I’ve just started a new job. I’m doing content creation for a tech start up which is exactly the kind of job I want to do when I leave. I spoke to him about the prospect of dropping out and just finding another job like this. I also spoke to him about the idea of taking a work placement abroad for a year next year and delaying my final year. That’s when he ran through all my stories in his head and what he came to was that I’ve never succeeded at anything. He also said I excel, I impress and I’m very successful. But I never truly finish things.

I’ve just never felt comfortable at the idea of committing to anything. I poke things, I ruin things and I run away. I do whatever I need to to make sure things don’t last and I can’t crawl back and change my mind. My favourite choices are the ones that have an ending before they begin; a relationship with someone who’s moving or a fixed term contract in a job. It’s a massive reason why uni is so scary for me. Even though I love Bristol, I was limiting myself to staying and ignoring any other opportunity that might come along in favour of my degree. I’m less than half way through that commitment and I’m already bottling it. To be fair, I’m pretty proud of myself for coming this far and I would never pass it up for something that wasn’t amazing. I have a great way of making sure I’m always moving upwards, so my bail outs never look like bail outs. They always seem to other people that I’m giving up something for an alternative that is better and more progressive in one way or another. The idea of staying still has never appealed to me.

A few people recently have suggested that this is a bad thing and that maybe I should “settle down”. That word settle. That’s not a nice word to me. It literally means “to reach a decision about” or “to resolve or reach an agreement”. To me, it just screams “accept what you have and don’t fight for more”, but I was always brought up to question and change things that I am not happy with. Sometimes, you can’t change things and that’s okay, that’s the moment to accept, but the rest of the time I think we should strive for better. Wherever and however we possibly can.

I don’t see it as a weakness that I like moving on. So many people are scared to let go. I’m scared to have something that really matters to me, something I want to hold onto and care about and keep. It’s a different issue, but lets have a silver lining moment for a second. This means I have this ability to let go and move on that most people don’t have or understand. It’s a gift that I don’t want to let go of, but it would be good to face my demons too. It’s a challenge for me to care enough to see things through. Uni is my first real attempt at this so we’ll see how that pans out. To be honest, lately it’s been very overwhelming and I’m fighting my natural instinct to turn and run, but through all of my failings, all of my bailings and all my letting go and running away, I have learnt that I’ll be okay no matter what.

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